Day 51

Dear Lyle:

Today is Day 51 that you've been gone.  I've been counting.  I know you don't know that, but I have.  How many more days will you be gone?  How many more days to forget this horrible betrayal?  I don't know the answer to that, but on day 51 there's nothing I can do about that.

Today was Monday, a very busy day.  7 children during the day, plus Xander.  He's off track right now.  I know you don't know that, either, but he is.  I'm tired, I'm sad, I'm still scared, but I have glimmers of hope.

I didn't walk in a store all of December, and a great deal during January, but slowly I'm trying to get back to shopping.  Not a lot, but just keeping the storage to a constant level.  The few times I've gone shopping Kara has gone with me, but tonight I had to go by myself.  I tried to get Ruth and Xander to go with me, but they weren't having any of that.  So, I went by myself.  I did okay.  I didn't get much, but I think I didn't get all my coupon deals from Smith's.  They rush you through and I don't get to watch the register when I'm by myself.  I got free infant/ children's ibuprofen.  I always like to get something useful for free. 

Xander's baptism is in June.  I've already asked your dad if he would baptize him.  He was very honored.  Of course, I had asked you last May.  I think you lied to me when you said it would be you who would baptize him.  We've started talking about what it means to be baptized.  I bought him a little booklet, and we started on the watered down Plan of Salvation tonight. Even watered down he glazed over, didn't understand it.  I'm beginning to realize that as I read the Book of Mormon now that I'm only beginning to understand the Plan of Salvation deeply enough to really appreciate it.  The fact that even before the world was formed Heavenly Father had a plan, and Jesus was already prepared to atone for our sins is overwhelming and beautiful.  I think of where I was two years ago, as far as my belief and knowledge of the Gospel's principles and teachings, and then I think about institute last year, and I realize it was institute that prepared me to walk through this trial, because before my institute class I would never had enough knowledge to guide me through.  Heavenly Father had already prepared the way for me to walk through fire.  He knew I'd need the strength of my testimony I gained of Christ's Atonement to help me even take a step.  That is a blessing I count and am thankful for every single day.  I may have other kinds of preparations I didn't know about, like the child care van, but it was that testimony that has been the most valuable.  So, as I'm reading in the BOM and in D&C institute class I realize I really need to prepare Xander for baptism, whether he understands it now or not;  I want him to look back and say, "yeah, my mom taught me that."  It feels good to do this, although I'm leaning more than he is.

We also read BOM stories every night.  We talk about repentance a lot.  I don't think Xander understands, but I want Ruthie to know that Jesus prepared a way for EVERYONE to repent.  I want her to know that even those who have made terrible, terrible choices can believe in Jesus, love him and repent of their sins.  Of course, the BOM is full of those stories.  So, we have a lot of time to talk about it. 

Also, Gabby was very ill today.  After nap, she woke up with 102.4 fever.  I was able to get her fever down with ibuprofen, but later this evening her mom said it went up to 103.8.  She ran her up to Primary.  I wanted to go up with her, but she said I didn't need to.  Of course, that meant I fretted all night and worried.  Finally, at 12:30 pm they started home.  She has a virus that has been going around that makes babies spike high fevers.  Hopefully she'll feel better soon.  She's home now and I'm ready to go bed.

So, my gratitude for January 23rd is that I had someone else to worry about besides this difficult time my family is going through.  That was a great blessing.  I need more opportunities to serve, and I need to take them when they come.

Shauna