Dear Lyle:
Our family therapist suggested I begin writing letters to you, and although I can't deliver them yet, the day may come when you can finally read them. So, I embark on a new journey today. One of many in the past 51 days.
December 2nd....A day like any other day, or so I thought. But, unknown to me, you had already been choosing a terrible fate for our family. One that I now know you had chosen over and over and over.
Did you not stop to think, to consider, what you were doing to Ruth, to me, to Xander, to Kara. Did you not, for one second, realize the life destroying choice you were making? One you picked up one end of the horrible stick, did you not look down and see that the other end was also being raised to strike? No, you didn't. You just very selfishly continued on a path that placed every single one of us in a blast zone. A zone of unchangeable consequences. And I've been angry and hurt and sad and frustrated and scared.
We were going to grow old together, you and I. We were raising children together. We were struggling, but we were doing it. Or I thought we were.
And then, December 2nd, somewhere around 3:00 pm. I just wanted you away from me. You had put me through so much already, how could you do this! Get out! 3:30 pm, they said they were taking you to jail. They said I couldn't talk to you at all. They said I couldn't do anything. I was mad and frustrated and worried and hurt and mostly scared. 3:35 pm, I realize I have to get the child care children out of my house. I start calling parents. Oh no! What do I tell them. I just simply opt for, "you've left me." Cause really you did. Years and years ago. I just didn't know it, yet.
4:00 pm...All of the children are gone. You're gone. Xander's playing and they're trying to decide if they can trust me to let Ruthie come home. God in Heaven, how could he do this? How could he????
4:05 pm...I realize I have to call licensing. They're going to take my business. If Lyle could sexually abuse Ruth, he could the other children. He was alone with them, how could I let him? I call Licensing and for the first time, tell them my husband of 26 years has been sexually abusing my daughter. What do I do to keep my license. The 10 minutes I'm on hold, I imagine them telling everyone I know. Final word, you're not allowed back in our home. I already knew that. You're in jail and I can't do anything about it. I'm scared, I'm hurt, I'm angry...I'm so very scared.
4:15 pm Kara calls. I'm sitting in the living room staring at the Christmas Village while the Child Protective Service lady sits and watches me. I can hear the clocks tick. We don't say anything. What's there to say? I'm crying, and crying and worrying and then Kara calls. I can't NOT answer, they CPS lady is watching. I try to act normal, but Kara knows something is terribly wrong. She presses for information. I have to tell her. I tell her. She's on her way. She's hurt, she's scared, she's worried.
4:40 pm Kara makes it. We sit together watching the CPS lady watch us. Kara finally asks, "where's Ruth?" That was the first time I heard that they were going to let Ruth come home. She's on her way now.
5:00 pm Ruth is home. She is so scared, so worried, so tired, so hurt. She just cries and cries and cries. All she wanted was to come home. The police say again, you better not try to talk to Lyle or reach him. He's in jail.
5:15 pm Kara can't stand it anymore, she has to go home. I don't know why. It's just Ruth and I. We try to eat, no luck. We try to talk, no luck. We just go to bed early. I cry all night. It couldn't get worse than this. Surprisingly, it does.
December 3rd: 7:00 am you try to call me. I hang up, because the only thing that got through my haze was DON'T TALK TO LYLE. You're in jail, how do they expect me to.
8:00 am It's late enough in the morning, I feel I can call Bishop McQueen. Besides Kara, he's the first person I talk to. I'm so alone, who else can I turn to. He doesn't say much, but the words are a tiny bit reassuring. The ward will help in the short term. Don't make any major decisions right now, blah blah blah. I leave with no real action plan, but I get the feeling he's going to contact you.
9:30 am I'm home from the Bishop's office, but still in the house alone with Ruth. Hopelessness, despair...I don't even know all the feelings I was feeling. You had betrayed me. You, who had promised to love and care for me.
Called Kara. Her and Brandon had been looking up your inmate stuff on the internet. One of things the Bishop told me he knew for sure, everyone would know you're a sexual predator. And he's right. It's all over the internet. No hiding it.
11:00 am I finally get enough strength to call Sharon. She sounds really upset when I say hello. So, the first thing I ask is "Do you know?" She's confused, "know what?" she asks. Lyle's in jail. He's been sexually abusing Ruth. 4th time I've had to say it....nope it didn't get easier. She informs me Gary was arrested same day for groping women at UofU. Oh my gosh!
They got to visit Gary. I can't visit you. I just sit here, alone. Listening to the clocks tick. Always, always ticking.
1:00 Sharon and Alan drop by and invite us to Sharon's birthday dinner the next day. Okay, we'll try. She's the one who convinces me I have to call your parents. I don't want to. I don't want to at all, but I'll do. Sharon says they need to help you. What I realize is, if they can help you, maybe that will help me and the children. I get the name of her lawyer that she's hiring to represent Gary.
Sometime on Saturday I manage to call your parents. I thought everything else in the past two days had been difficult, but telling your dad and then your mom. How could you do this to us? They're shocked, they don't know what to do, I tell them about the lawyer, who came to visit with you. Your mom doesn't want us to tell anyone. She just wants us to wait and see what the lawyer says on Monday.
Saturday night I tell Carol. No one believes me when I tell them. They do eventually, but who wants to believe that Lyle could this heinous thing to his daughter, to his family. I don't want to believe it! Carol sits with me all night Saturday. Ruthie goes with girlfriends and Xander spends another night at Bonnie's. I have to tell Bonnie. I'm a wreck. She can see that. She's the one who tells me Gary was all over the news.
By Saturday night it's too much. I can't take it anymore. I pace the floor for an hour while Carol tried to convince me to call the Bishop. It's so awful. We've found out your bail is set at $250,000.00. Bail bondsman are calling trying to get my business. I feel so overcome with grief, but do I really bother the bishop AGAIN?? I try the Bishop. No one answers, thank goodness! Now, I don't have to bother him. But, the Bishop has caller id and he calls me back at 8:00. I need help. Can you come, and please bring President Marshall. I don't know why I say that, but I just know I need a LOT of help. Please, Heavenly Father, help me!
The Bishop and President Marshall come. They sit with me until 10:30. They give me a blessing, but Ruthie doesn't want one. I feel better. I feel a little more calm. Bishop has advised against bail bondsman. They're dangerous, they'll take everything. If we can get your parents to concentrate on a lawyer, that's best.
Sunday, December 4 I couldn't face church. Will I ever be able to again. We tell Abe and find out your visiting days. So much misinformation from the jail. Cry and wait, cry and wait. That's life now. Can't eat, can't sleep, can't do anything but cry and wait. Bishop calls. I don't remember when he went to visit you. I decide to close the child care for a week. I can't work tomorrow. Not like this. I tell them "you left me" But a few know you sexually abused Ruth. Everyone finds out, eventually.
As the days marched on, it becomes a lot more hazy. I should have started this journal earlier, but I could hardly do anything that first month. The longer you were in jail, the more I worried about money, insurance, life. I turned off your cell phone to save money. I started doing CHIP and food stamp paperwork, I tried to change my food program paperwork. But, everything took more information than I could get. I needed info from the cops, they wouldn't give me anything, I was stuck. We were stuck. All because you had made horrible, life altering choices and chose yourself over your family.
Days marched on. Christmas approached. More and more people found out, more and more people came to try and help. You were in jail reading your scriptures and I was at home trying to pick up the pieces your blast zone had left. Mom and dad finally let us tell your siblings, and Marianne, after her initial "let him rot in jail" reaction really began to help.
Kara suggested early on that we thing of one thing we're thankful every day and I've really tried to do that. I began to really ready my scriptures, and grandma got Xander a Book of Mormon book we read nearly every night. I went back to work. We survived Christmas, but just barely. And you finally got out of jail. I was so happy the day you went back to work.
So, now it's a new year, and my counselor has suggested I write letters to you, because all I want to do now is talk to you. I don't know if I want to hit you or hug you. Time will tell. Until then, I'll write you letters.
Shauna
