Day 60, January 31, 2012

Dear Lyle:

Noon-- I can't hardly remember what I was posting last night, I was so tired. 
Your dad and Brandon worked on the garage door opener all evening.  Finally at 10:30 it seemed to be working.  I was so happy.  That was one less daily frustration to check off my list.  But, as I went to take Caylee to school, the door only went up half way and stopped.  I had to crawl up on the van and pull the cord and manually lift the door....again.  Sigh.  How am I going to run this household by myself? 

Not only was the door a downer for the day, but I checked the plane tickets to get Ruth and Xander a ticket to see Isaac and Jaylyn.  In one day they had gone up $100.00 per person.  And to top it off, Xander is so disappointed he can't go, that as he was waking up this morning, before he was even fully awake he said to me "Mom, since I can't go see Isaac, will you take pictures of Isaac and Race and Jaylyn and the baby.  Cause I really miss them."  He breaks my heart daily.  I try to fill the void you've left in his life, but even though he loves me, I'm just enough.  You have destroyed so much with your foolish, selfish choices.

He's been making block structures and Lego designs that he wants to share with you, so I've promised him I would take pictures and keep them for you to see. 

This one is a Yoda plane.  He made a robot (really cool one) right before this, but before we could get a picture it had tipped over and broken.  He was so sad, and wouldn't reconstruct it.  We'll keep trying.

Ruthie all but sluffed seminary again.  I spoke with Brother Taylor today.  I'm so frustrated with her.  She tries to tell half truths and sneaky things, and thinks that keeps her in the clear.  She's always been like that, but I keep hoping as she gets older she'd improve. 

I read Book of Mormon stories to the children every night.  Well, nearly every night.  We miss a night here and there, but I try to stay pretty consistent.  I'm also doing a lot of BOM reading myself.  It's amazing that I have had such a hard time reading and understanding the scriptures my whole life, but when I really need to understand, Heavenly Father has blessed me abundantly with plain and precious understanding.  I thank him regularly for that understanding as it's been a comfort during these dark times.

I'm getting ready to attend the temple.  I went with you the first time I ever went to the temple, and that has been the case for 26 years.  But, now I find I'm strong enough to it myself.  That I don't need to wait for you anymore.  Maybe it's because you made the choice to walk out of our lives.  I don't know, but while I feel very weak and alone, I still find I have strength left in me. More strength that I ever knew. 

I'm going to close this for the noon hour.  I will be home tonight, because Tom has my child care van to go to work and the Oliphants have the Honda because all their vehicles are broken.  It's nice to be able to serve others rather than need it all myself.

Shauna