Day 61, February 1, 2012

Dear Lyle:

AM -- So, happy surprise last night.  I tried the garage door opener on the second bay, and wonder of wonders, it worked.  25 times.  Then I tried it an hour later, and it worked again.  I don't know what that anomaly was yesterday morning.  But, when I opened it this morning to take kindergarten to school and Tom to the train station, it worked again.  I hope that is problem solved.

Last night I went couponing, by myself again.  I don't enjoy doing it by myself, but you're not here and Kara is very busy.  She doesn't do it for herself very often anymore.  So, I have to really make myself do it.  It makes my sad, and hurt and a little angry.  I want my old life back, that you stole from us.  I know it doesn't do any good to want it back.  I won't get it back.  It's gone, stolen forever, but I can't stop myself from wanting it back.  Especially on my bad weeks, like this one. 

Yes, it's Wednesday and it's another bad week.  I had a really good one week last week, but no matter how I try to change it, I have another bad one.  I can feel it coming on me on Sunday's (either for good or bad).  I've been fighting it every day, but little things get to me.  Xander cries for you every night, and he's having a bad week as well, I can tell, because he cries at everything and I mean everything.  Then other weeks he just cries because he misses you.  The garage door was another hard one, but it's working now...so I should add that to my good list.  Ruthie sluffing seminary was another hit for me.  Of course, I just want to discuss it with you, but I can't.  Our newest grandchild is a week old.  Another thing I expected to share with you.  But, you chose a different path for us.  I sometimes think you chose it cause I made you bring me soda's or McDonald's breakfast or lunch.  I would prefer you told me no, rather than choosing the path you did.

And now, our lives aren't the same.  They never will be.  I'm sure there's good from this.  You're not abusing Ruthie anymore.  That's good.  But, why did you have to do it in the first place?  Why did you have to hurt us like this.  Ruth, Xander, Kara and me.  I'm sure Isaac as well, but I don't see his pain every day of the week.

People ask me if I'll ever take you back?  I don't know the answer to that question.  I will never trust you around Ruth, or any granddaughters.  Will I ever trust you around me?  I feel like I've been abused as well.  Did we ever have a normal sexual relationship?  I don't know.

Shauna