Dear Lyle:
I survived another day. At times I didn't want to, but I did. And now, once again I get the sweet release of sleep until I need to wake up and go on again.
There's a pile of paper and bills and junk on the desk again. I have to tackle that soon. I'm sure there are a couple of child care checks, and lots of tax stuff. I'm so overwhelmed by it all. I finally asked Kara to come and sit with me for moral support as I go through the mounds of paper work. You know the one I mean, you always tackled the desk. Now that's another thing I have to do.
Xander and I went to our counselors today. Xander loves his. A young woman who doesn't look any older than Ruth, and I think is actually smaller than her. He talks about feelings and plays in the play therapy room. They told me I needed to tell him what you'd done and why you were in jail and why you couldn't see us. They said the judge will require that he knows before they ever consider visitations. I told him you were in jail in December. He automatically thought you were there because you got in a fight. I never told him differently. I just let him think that. I also told him when you got out. I've just said you're staying with a friend and trying to get better. But, now they think it's best if he hears it from me, about your sexual abuse. So, that's my next hurdle to surmount.
I've pretty much just cried all day. I can't do this alone, so I have to ask people for help, and I HATE asking for help. Almost as much as you do. The counselor reminded me that others enjoy helping as much as I enjoy helping others and soon it will be my turn to help. But, it still doesn't make it easy. I have to ask for help every single day, and I don't like it. Today, it snowed, so someone, I think brother Hatch or it may have been Brother Schwendiman, came and shoveled everywhere. It had to have been before 6:00, because I got up at 6:30 (I knew it was going to snow and set my alarm) and the walks were already cleared. All I had to do was shake rock salt all over the ice. I also have to ask for help every day from Michelle (Hailey's grandma). She picks up the kindergarteners Monday - Thursday. I can do it in the van, but it quite nearly kills me to do all the bus runs. Especially the noon pick up. So, I have her do it for me.
Sister McQueen and Brother Daniels come and pick up Reggie and Xander for school every day, and Sister Crockett brings Xander home from School. That just leaves me with taking Caylee to school every day, and that one doesn't hurt me too bad. What kills me is that every day I need Michelle, Sister McQueen or Brother Daniels and Sister Crockett just to get through my child care day. Someday I can repay by my service...I just have to keep telling myself that. And I keep thinking of you putting in that darn front window. You hate to ask people for help more than I do. Maybe that's what got us into this mess we're in. I should remember that. And, my mom hated to ask for help, and I still believe that's why she's dead. I need to remember that as well.
It's superbowl sunday this week. That means kara and brandon are hosting a game party at their house. So that leaves me and the kids here alone. After such a bad week, I couldn't face that, so I called Sharon and James tonight to find someone to spend Sunday with. Sharon said I could go to her house, but it would need to be later because they visit Gary on Sundays. So I called James. A better solution for Xander anyway, because he loves to play with his cousins. Jimmy was very happy to have an invitation to come. So, I won't be alone on Sunday. Thank goodness. I hope you're not alone on Sunday, either.
Shauna
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