Day 62 Noon

Dear Lyle:

I miss you.  I really miss you and I'm really mad at you.  Is that possible all in the same moment?  And yet, it seems to be.

Valentine's Day is approaching, which wasn't ever a big deal, but I liked the option of it being a big deal or not.  And now, I'm just sad about it.  And mad about it.  And hurt about it.  Today, and perhaps a lot this week, I just want this all to not be true.  I want to wake up from this nightmare, in the morning, and it really was just a bad dream.  I can this ever get better?  What if you go to prison?  What if you go to jail again?  Even if you don't, can I ever ever trust you again?  Can I ever love you the same?  Can I ever live with you again?  All of it makes me so sad, and so mad, and so hurt and so many other things. 

Maybe these letters to you aren't such a good idea.  Many times I can keep all the feelings crashing down on me at once, but then every day I sit down to write you a letter and that's exactly what does happen.  They all crash on me at once.  I have a hard time remember the happy times...it hurts too much.  Was it all a lie?  Did we really not have happy times?  You've lied to me so much in a marriage.  All about one thing, but so many lies.  Will I ever be happy again?  Will I ever love anyone again?  Will it be you? or someone else?  Will I ever be talk to you again? 

Maybe that's the problem.  I don't just want to write letters I want to talk to you.  I want to scream at you.  I want to ask you why? and watch your face as you try to explain all this to me.  I don't understand.  I don't understand.  I don't understand.  How could you? How could you every week, while I was upstairs?  How could you come home Friday night and know that Saturday morning was going to be the same?  How could you take us on vacation and know when you came home it was the same?  How could you?

So, I think what I want is to look at you and ask you all these things, and see that your life is destroyed just as much as my life, just as much as Xander's life, just as much as Ruthie and Kara and Isaac's life.  If they would just let me talk to you. 

Shauna