Day 69 early AM

Dear Lyle:

My week has been a frustrating amount of busy.  I have sat at my desk downstairs every minute I can spare during the day and entered and filed chilld care receipts.  I complain about it, but they have to get done.  Then I sit at the black desk at night, and all I do is push papers around from one place to another to a file.  Spent an hour trying to get the file label machine going on some any laptop.  Brandon walks in and gets it going in 10 minutes!!!  But, that was after you went to the movie with him, so it was 10:30 at night.  I went to bed Monday night with a pile still stacked high.

Tuesday, I hit it again.  Another 30 or more receipts during the day and papers and bills at night.  Only paused to put money in your bank account, money in my bank account and to take dinner to Moon's.  Sister Moon had back surgery.  I got a little more completed on Tuesday night, but still a huge pile to go. 

Wednesday day, more receipts, but Wed. night I had to go get  a birthday present for Chace and cupcakes, formula for Gabby and some new shoes for Xander, since his are wearing through the bottom.  I also had to mail letters that you could normally take for me.  I can't do it all.  I don't know how to.  It took two of us to do this, and now it's just me.  The black desk is a little better, but there is still so much to put away, and more coming every day.  I'm being buried alive in paperwork. 

I have had two different people suggest I hire someone a couple of afternoons a week to watch the children so I can be free to do paperwork, go to the bank or store or other even the doctor.  I'm going to consider the cost vs. the benefits and even see if I can find someone like that.  It would sure help.  But, if you go to prison or jail and lose your job, I don't know how I'll afford it, but it may be an option if not.

Ruthie took her entrance test for the Vet Tech program.  She has to wait 6 weeks to hear back.  She wants it so bad, I just hope and pray she's not disappointed.  I hope she did well on her test.  I don't know how competitive the program is, but she thinks it's quite competitive.  I'm crossing fingers.

Xander's behavior was really good the first two months after your arrest, but it's really starting to decline now.  He talks back to me constantly.  He fights with Reggie, argues with the younger kids and he and Ruthie continue to push each others buttons.  Some days I feel I may go crazy.  And, there's no respite any more.  You're gone.  Although you were gone in the evenings all the time, this is so much different. 

I'm still feeling hurt, angry, overwhelmed, sad, despondent, and many other things.  But, right now, right here I'm just tired and wish this would all go away.  Yesterday I couldn't think of any joy in my life.  Even though I'm trying to count my blessings, I can find no joy.  And I want to find joy somehow.  I want control of my life.

Shauna